I’m getting on here to ramble and just be vulnerable for a minute. Jesus has been doing a whole heck of a lot in my life and it’s been overwhelming. It’s been good. But it has been a lot to process. As a lot of you know (don’t worry I won’t bore you by repeating myself) when Dan and I got back from traveling in the van our lives took a 180. Change is inevitable, yes? Definitely. Does that make it easy? No. Especially when things start to happen that you hadn’t even thought were possible. Ok, this sounds really dramatic but bear with me.
Life has a way and Jesus has a way of reminding us that His plan is the best plan. Me, being the stubborn human being I am really tried to run away from that. First off, I had no idea what His plan was or what He was doing, so I wasn’t really into it. Secondly, I already had my year after travel planned out, so I really didn’t need His input. Tell me I’m not the only one to do this.
Day after day, month after month I felt like Jesus was taking everything away from me. Dan, Nina and I had no home. My second dog Lizzy had to live with my mom (& for those of you who know me, you know I adore my dogs), Dan was working a ton so I rarely saw him, we had one car, so 90% of the time I had no vehicle and I was one big ball of anxiety looking to control anything and everything I could.
I come from an alcoholic home, so if I’m being honest I “like” dysfunction. Dysfunction is normal to me. I’m learning to be healthy and how that’s not healthy behavior (obviously) but a few months ago, I looked for it. I’d put myself in other people’s problems and I’d try to “fix” them or “save” them. If I couldn’t control my own life, I’d just try and control somebody else’s.
I tried that behavior for months and my anxiety got worse. Some days I had no appetite, some days my whole body would tingle because of nerves, some days I’d get a migraine and some days I’d just bawl my eyes out.
Ok phew, there’s all the ew of this story. Don’t leave me yet because healing is coming!
Jesus never left me. When I was bawling in the bathroom, He was there. When I was so mad at Him and made sure He knew it, He never left. When I felt like my body would never be anxiety free, He healed me. When I felt like there was no hope left, He gave me a sliver of it. When I felt like life was too hard to handle and there was too much happening around me, He reminded me of how strong I am. When fear crippled me, He reminded me there is NOTHING to fear.
& you know what? If you’re walking through the wilderness like I was, He will do all those things for you too.
Your hardships are never and will never be wasted.
I had to give Jesus my whole life. I had to bury my wants and realize His wants for me. I had to let go of dreams & know His plans and dreams for me are far better than what I had in mind. I had to be honest with myself and let go of shame and feel the pain. It was the only way I could overcome it.
I’m telling you this because I know someone is going through something similar. You’re walking through the wilderness alone and you feel so lonely but I promise you, you’re not alone. This is your time to fight, to let go of the past, to move forward, to be the woman (or man) God created you to be. It’s your time to be your best and most healthy self, and you can’t get there without going through some serious crap.
I felt like I needed to write this, so I just started writing. I hope this encourages you and reminds you that you’re not alone and that you’re never alone. Jesus loves you so much & you will overcome the obstacles in your way. My bible study teacher always says, “there is not such thing as a hopeless situation” and that is so true! Jesus can heal any situation and make it whole again.
Ok, I’m done rambling. Have a great rest of your week! Love you!